I've neglected posting for quite some time. 
Part of that is that I feel good. 
I feel really, really good in so many ways. 
It's a bit scary, since I haven't felt so right in my own skin in a good, long while.
I like feeling good.  I like what's making me feel good. 
Feeling good and happy is the way it should be, and the way it should always be.
Nobody will ever again convince me that the things that make me happy aren't what they are.  The simple fact that they make me happy should be enough.
The added fact that they make me feel hopeful and motivated and inspired is the final say.
I love life, and I owe it to myself to follow my instincts and my heart, making the most of it.

Whenever I set a goal for doing this on a daily basis, it never fails that I immediately find myself too busy to take the time.

I really don't mind it so much, given I've been out having fun, not worrying myself about the things that are out of my control.  I'm looking for the positive in everything around me, keeping the stressful points at bay the best I can.  It's often a game of smoke and mirrors, but it's working.

Daily may prove difficult with life getting a bit busier, but that's ok.  A busy life isn't always a bad thing, unless it gets in the way of my school work, like this week so far.  I've just now begun, eating a late meal of tomato soup, and am thoroughly exhausted.  Staying home tonight would have probably been a better plan, but I like the routine I've come to follow each week the past few months.  I think I do better when I work last minute, but I'd prefer to be more the type to get it done early on.  Someday.  Maybe.  The beer earlier didn't help and the 'mato soup gave me the itis.  I have a feeling I won't be accomplishing much more tonight other than falling asleep.

Work seemed to last forever, though I was rescued toward the end when my boss and I took a break to chatter a bit.  It's nice to work with someone who's easy to get along with and understands when things get rough and it begins to reflect in your work.  Today it was about how things aren't as rough anymore, so my work is showing improvement again.

I was going to try to say a little something each day, as part of my goal to focus and get into the habit of doing something new.  Hopefully it will help with the homework and feeling too distracted.  Or is this the distraction?  Or maybe you're the distraction.  Who are you, anyway?

An exhausting day.
Work was short, but everything afterward drained me completely.
Laundry.
The furry beast kept me up most the night, where I slept maybe 3 hours in total.
Being out in this crazy, humid heat left me exhausted.
Got home, thankfully the cats didn't get out of the bathroom.
Showered the sweat off myself, got into jammies, relaxing in bed by 6pm.
Had an unexpected visitor who gave my neck a much needed massage.
Got bit by something when standing in the front doorway saying goodbye.
Hives that followed the pattern of my tattoo, minus the point of contact.
Took my meds and now time to pass out.

Independence for me as well.

Yesterday was mostly uneventful.
Mostly.
There was homework done, quizzes were taken.
No celebratory plans, which was fine with me.
There was rain.  There was thunder.
There were fireworks sounding and kitties hiding.
It was a good night to stay in and relax.
There was texting.  There was voicing.
I smiled a lot.  I even laughed a time or two.
There was beer.  There was ice cream.
I stayed up late, then slept most of the night.
There were dreams of good things.
I felt happy and hopeful.
I still do.
I hesitate to trust it, but I will grow braver.
I am alone, but do not feel lonely anymore.
Life has shifted in epic ways the past few weeks.
The switch was flipped.
I can feel how right it is.
I worry less.  The guilt has lifted.
I know my purpose in being here has been met.
I can let go now and not worry.
This detour has nearly come full circle.

I feel lighter.  I feel free.  I feel more like me again. 

Contemplation is happening.
Possibilities for the future unfolding.
Choices to be made.
When change happens, I want to do it right.
I will try to.  I plan to.  I have time.

It's bound to stick sooner or later.

I've come to realize my life has been reduced to a bunch of memes.  Not because that's all I'm worth, but more simply that I don't know how to express the endless thoughts churning in my head.  The memes are often so perfect, but then I feel like they become repetitive. Or even that I'm far less cynical doom and gloomy.  I'm actually starting to feel happy some days.  Sometimes.  More times than before. Enough times that I almost dare to hope that it will stick.

I've always hated soap operas, and my life has been one giant mess of one for too long now.  I'll be so glad when things sort out and I can pull away from all things drama.  I know it's ultimately up to me to do just that, but when you've lived a certain way for such a long time, there's an adjustment period.  I don't dare hope that I'm out of the darkness just yet.  I'm close.  So very close.  One positive from a couple days ago... my co-worker told me she hadn't seen me smile so much in a long, long while. I remember blushing, feeling like a giddy school girl for a moment.  There was a reason behind it. I liked that feeling.  I want more of it.

Things cannot be reversed...

We learn from the times that we are cursed.

Life as I know it.

The past couple years have been brutal in too many ways.  I've often felt like I was underwater, beneath a frozen surface, and the ice wasn't thin enough to bust through for air.  I could see the world and everyone move on around me, feeling left behind or forgotten.

In many ways my situations have been self-imposed, but always with the best intentions for everyone involved, though I may have taken the long way 'round and at times gone about it all wrong.  Despite how rough my days have been, I will always believe that everything happened for a reason, that I've come out stronger in the end, and my reason for the choices I've made has been met. While there have been difficult times, there have also been many beautiful and happy days that I never want to take for granted or forget.  Now, it's my turn to do for me again and find my happy place once more.  For me.

I've been submerged for what seems like forever, putting others first, neglecting my own needs and ultimately draining myself of much needed energies.  It's just who I am, though I can't always tell when I've pushed my limits so far that I lost my hold, and lost myself, somewhere along the way.

It's always been a two steps forward, one step back process, though I never gave up hope that I would eventually feel the full breath of air in my life again.  The light at the end of the tunnel is just now starting to peek through the darkness, slowly getting brighter, and whispers hello to me in an almost forgotten language.

Feeling moments of true happiness has become alien to me, but I welcome them and I know that their visits will be more frequent as time passes. Before I know it, I'll start to forget what it was like to be lost in my own sacrifices and resulting misery.   It may be a slow process, but as long as there's forward momentum, I have no doubt that I will find my way to where I belong.